coming back

31 january 2020

i can’t believe it’s been 2 weeks since i’ve last written. not in an ‘oh i’m so forgetful’ way, or ‘i need to write more consistently’ way but just – time has been moving so quickly. i have been busy busy doing things, seeing people, making plans. all the things i haven’t done in so long. and yes i am tired (& maybe to the extent that i made myself sick the past few days). but i still feel as though i am moving closer towards the person i want to be. doing the things i want to do. i am on a train to see solange at the opera house tonight. it’s my stop next.

 

9 february 2020

the first week of february came & went without much noise. the newness of the decade is beginning to wear off & i have been losing track of myself in thoughtless moments here & there. on friday i couldn’t remember what had happened in the days before it. which is usually a sign i am dissociating, detaching, avoiding. i stayed in that shell for a while out of ignorance towards the fact i was in it & then, perhaps, out of laziness. i am so so tired & am beginning to feel i may never not be. so i am trying to find the space in between the crevices of time to come back to myself. as i was shaving my legs in the shower this morning i had that thought that i feel abstractly in my skin from time to time – that life is nothing but the process of coming back to yourself. the wave returns to the ocean. i don’t have thoughts to fill up the rest of this page. solange is playing and the rain outside hits my windows. my tea and books are waiting for me.

 

15 february 2020

yesterday my therapist showed me a line graph of my progression since i started seeing her — every session we use a sliding scale to mark how i’ve felt that week. & of course it was all over the place (because healing! is! not! linear!) but the general trend was upwards. im generally going upwards. & she asked me how it felt to look at that & i said it’s crazy, because i don’t feel completely better, but i know that this time last year i would’ve given anything to be at the place where i am right now. im safe. im feeling emotions (& having generally appropriately-sized reactions to said emotions). i can see a future me, existing, in a future world, which was completely unimaginable for a really really long time. i genuinely did not see myself getting to a place where i would feel better. there’s still a long way to go but i just want to send a big big hug to 20 year old emily. thank you for sticking around long enough to give us a chance to heal. we are getting there 

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