15 jan 19
it’s been hard to get out of bed lately, but it’s January & things are slow at the moment. I haven’t put Pen to Paper in a really long time because a lot’s going on & it’s difficult to write about. It’s nothing, but it feels like a lot. The start of the new year has taught me how to be patient & loving with myself when things don’t go according to plan.
undated but sometime in february i think
life has sped up exponentially this month and as usual i lost track of myself. some time between this & the next thing i felt calm for a while. there was a leo moon. Then i got a job and all a sudden i’m working 6 days a week & seeing friends every night & helping people move & just going going going. I remember writing in my first journal of 2018 after working my first full time job “Today I hit a brick wall”. crazy how the patterns repeat themselves. I can feel myself getting sick & I’m stressed & not present & all I wanted today was a hug from my parents
thurs 21 march
I just left my Buddhist Philosophy lecture an hour early and I kind of feel like crying and I’m listening to that song I used to play on the bus to therapy last year and I kissed ______ last night and my dreams are filled with spiders and I still don’t know what it all means. Things are moving so so fast I keep getting headaches and nodding off in all my lectures and how am I supposed to be my truest self if I don’t give her the silence to tell me who she is. I’m back at that stage in life where so many things have piled up I’m scared to sit still incase they all fall down around me and not cause I’m scared of the pain but because I just don’t have the time. It’s like so many things have changed since December and I’m scared to actually admit it all. Things are good, they’re genuinely good, but I’m so frightened. And I know I’m capable of overcoming terrifying things but I feel out of my depth and quite on my own. Things have shifted they have shifted so much and I haven’t been paying attention enough so when I sit down to write it comes out in floods and it’s disconnected and confusing and intense like that day I walked to the end of King street and wrote in my journal til the words fell of the table and it’s cathartic but I need to get better at this.
I write everywhere but my journal. Last night as I was walking out the gates I thought about that time I walked the fire trail all those years ago and it seemed like the trees were sentient. I felt like they were moving whenever I turned my back & watching over me. In a tender way.
17 05 2019
I think I need to stop revisiting, stop trying to make sense of it all, so I’m gonna put everything on the table (shelf?) for now, and no doubt it’ll come out in fragments, in pieces of poetry & scribbles here. I think what I need right now is just to start from here. I thought I was up to the part in this cycle where I start rebuilding, start picking up the pieces, but it feels too soon for that. I need to just breathe and observe, there’s no rush, it’s okay to be still right now.
I feel out of sorts. I feel like half of me is stuck in a narrative formed five years ago & the other part is facing the future & too busy to make sense of the now. there are sensations & thoughts I haven’t been acquainted with in a really long time and a very strong voice in my head hellbent on telling me lies.
i’m exhausted down to the marrow in my bones. like i have been trying to stay afloat for years & years & i’ve just been washed over by a powerful wave. I don’t have the fucking energy to keep holding on. right now I am just surviving and that is valid & that is okay. there is a time for healing & it’s okay if it feels a little out of reach. I’m putting one foot in front of another & I can’t find meaning in it now but maybe i will some day. for now, you just gotta hold on.
20 05 2019
Life feels near and far and too vast but also suffocating & i don’t feel as though I have the words to tell other people. and would they listen if i did?
18 06 2019
I am parked outside a random house next to a lake and I am wondering whether any of this comes naturally to anyone. My head feels clouded & full of pressure. I think it’s time to move out of the stillness phase, to move beyond locked doors and emotions that hide beneath guises of nothingness. of numbness. right now i feel: anxious, uncomfortable, tired but a bit more certain than before. filled with more words & a bit more courage to speak them.
02 07 2019
i’m back in that place of wanting things to be a certain way and feeling like i’m suspended until that point. that classic ‘happiness is over there’ type bullshit. i just feel quite restless & not really happy anywhere. i don’t like who i am at the moment & i don’t see that changing anytime soon. I feel out of place everywhere, even in sleep. I spent most of my therapy session yesterday staring at the wall, muttering ‘I don’t know’ ‘I can’t remember’
in august i wrote nothing down.
14 09 2019
i’m listening to emmylou in the candlelight, in an empty house. i’m thinking about feelings i’ve felt over the past few years. these days i struggle a lot. in my heart i feel like i need to get through all the bad to get to the good. and we’re at that point now and it’s a lot. a lot of guilt & hate & anger & sadness & sleeping in & not eating. it’s physical discomfort & having to move but feeling frozen. it’s all these things & feeling like i’ve got no one to tell, not even a journal
14 10 2019
it is the eve of my 21st & i think it may be a full moon as well…twenty has been gruelling and alienating. I have felt more disconnected from my own being than I ever remember feeling. But sitting here, in the amber glow of my room with the full moon darting in between night clouds, all that time seems suspended.
04 11 2019
I have not felt fully formed in a while. Heidegger would say I can’t be fully formed until my death, but I think I’ve felt it before in my life. Or an approximation of it. Maybe I’m reading too much & not living it enough.
9 dec 2019
I am sitting in a cafe that is not campos, but drinking a soy mocha that is good, nonetheless. the music was very loud when I sat down, but when the barista saw I was reading she lowered it for me. I just finished Memories of the Future & now I’m reading My Brilliant Friend. I have been reading a lot of retrospective books of late & they remind me that things tend to work out, and we tend to survive what we think is insurmountable.
I have been thinking often of baby Emily. Warm, fond thoughts. We are teaching each other how to be compassionate & loving & patient. There was a period where I couldn’t face her, but we hugged & I have learnt that sometimes that is all that’s needed. A hug that says I see you, I am sorry you are hurting, I am here for you, I am always here.
Last week my psych told me that progress shouldn’t be measured by how much I smile (because that is easy to do in a dissociative fog) but by how much I feel. I have been holding onto that, and I feel myself getting closer. I see myself making better, more conscious decisions. I think, maybe for the first time, I am hopeful for the new year.