my self, the moon

14 . 10 . 2019

it is the eve of my 21st & i think it may be a full moon as well. i resolved to clean my room so i may wake to a fresh space & a fresh year. but i think that’s as far as i will go with resolutions. i have already resolved to do all that i wish to do — the doing part is all that remains. 

i moved my diffuser onto the floor a few days ago, & as i sat down to turn it on & fill my room with lavender, bergamot, lemon, i noticed the moon staring at me. the last time i remember noticing the moon this way was december of last year. i was still 20 at the time. i sat on the grass with my legs dangling over the ocean, and just looked to the moon as though unwavering attention would soon reveal all the truths to the cosmos. i felt swayed, like the ocean, and whispered promises i now remember only in abstract.

i promise to try my best, i promise to keep trying, i won’t let you down – i promise.

whispered to a future self, or a past self, or the moon, or all three.

i sat by the moon and her oceans until she faded into the soft blue of the hawaiian sky, and i walked away with the feeling deep inside me that those minutes shifted something. an intangible, unknowable something.

and now, on the eve of twenty-one, i stare at the same moon, reminding myself that it is the same thing i spoke to 10 months ago, and that i, despite everything, am still the same thing that spoke to it. i contain the same dreams and superstitions, the same values and desires, the same abstract resolution to keep trying through it all.

twenty has been gruelling and alienating and i have felt more disconnected from my own being than i ever remember feeling. but sitting here, in the amber glow of my room, with the full moon darting in between night clouds, all that time seems suspended. i’m sitting next to my self on a hawaiian dock, and next to every other version of myself that has looked to the sky and been reminded — here, you are always home.

happy 21st to me. as long as the moon rises, so do you.

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