i should never go this long without writing, my journals are a piece of me as much as i’m a piece of them. and my hands lock up and my eyelids blur over and i have to learn how to do this all again. guess i’m always back to square one in the end. i don’t do the things i say i need to do, there’s such a disconnect between the actual life i live and what goes on inside my head and i think writing is the only way to breach that gap, even if only temporarily. i’ve felt the most intense emotions these past few weeks and the bad follows the good and the good stumbles after the bad and i’m left flittering on the side of the road just tryna make sense of these fragmented pieces. i’ve missed writing things that don’t make sense. i’m convinced that’s the only proper thing to write at all. sometimes it feels good. sometimes it feels good sometimes it feels like all i ever do is construct cities in this floating world that rests above my head and it’s just another layer. it’s all just another layer. but sometimes it’s the only thing i can feel connected to and if there’s nothing bringing me back down to earth at least there’s something above my head stopping me from flying away altogether. i’m scared to cry after last night and i don’t know what to do with all these pieces on the floor. sidestepping around the ugly shit just like you did in march last year. things only fall down violently to push you to reconstruct them. remember that life is just an endless cycle of building up your towers and tearing them down. sometimes you knock them over yourself and sometimes the force of the universe sweeps the ground out from under everything and it’s scary i know but you can never go back beyond where you once were. i guess you gotta trust that there’s always gonna be a foundation. otherwise it’s impossible to free fall. movement isn’t authentic when it’s automated and if you’re not living with intention then all this is, is acting. i mean maybe that’s all it is anyway. but i feel better inside my chest when i’m aligned with that intention. i just remembered that i’ve met my soul. she stepped out for a while back there and i let her go. it’s okay though because you can never lose things that are destined for you. she’s here and she exists all at once and i just need to keep telling myself that. i’m tired and don’t have the energy to write about what i was going to in the first place but i’ll just put all those thoughts on my bedside table and let them rest while i do too. maybe they’ll crawl through my ears and into my dreams. maybe tonight i won’t dream at all. only thing i’m certain of right now is that i need to sleep.