i feel very scatter-brained all-over-the-place at the moment and it’s nothing but it feels like a lot. invisible pressure coming from all sides mounting and pushing towards a centre that’s not there. staring out too many windows to nowhere. when my ears ring in the silence i know it’s been too long since i’ve sat down with only my thoughts. when my hands hesitate over the keys and i haven’t even reached for my journal in weeks, that’s how i know it’s been too long since i’ve sat down with only my thoughts. poised to move but unable to leap. soul restless inside a body that sleeps. and i don’t know how not to believe in a god when i keep facing these cycles over and over, always the same patterns and yet i never learn. shouldn’t say that. my friends would say i shouldn’t say that. don’t even know what to write anymore because it’s always the same old stuff as before, it’s new but it feels the same i can’t quite remember but i think it feels the same.
why can’t i just write what i actually feel like
so outta tune with myself i wouldn’t even know where to start remember back in year eleven when i couldn’t even identify my own emotions and i ran out the library crying in the rain and everyone just acted like nothing happened. they all acted like nothing happened. friends today message me whenever they sense something’s off and i dont even know if they know how much difference it makes to feel like someone cares even if they don;t understand what’s going on. just close your eyes don’t worry you don’t have to publish this bit you just need to get it all out. don;t worry if you aint hitting the right keys the whole point is to just sync your body up with your thoughts the two have been unacquainted for too long. remember how it feels to feel at home in your body and i know the dissociation feels safe but i promise this is better for you in the long run. we’ve been through so much and i just need you to trustme. i know it seems like we’re always picking ourselves up off the floor and hey maybe we are, but we’ve done it every single fucking time up until now and we can keep on doing it. we can keep on getting up. dusting off. starting over. u get the catharsis and u move the fuck on and if the catharsis isn;t there then you still move the fuck on. u dont need to cry if u dont feel like it. there’s no right way to resolve wounds they heal on their own time and u keep living. ripped open old wounds as soon as they started healing and it fucking hurts to feel as though all your hard work was ripped out from under your feet do you understand the pain i had to go through to get where i was and then you fucking test me again. i was so vulnerable man. seem to never get a break. feels like the whole damn universe just wants me to suffer sometimes. can never seem to catch a break.