drop out

dropped outta law school the other day and ever since i been feeling a kinda way. a few years ago i never would’ve considered myself an impulsive person but it seems all i do these days is change. change homes change hair change routine change degree change friends change style change everything about .. me. certain eras of my life have distinct flavours that i can’t really encapsulate in words but i’ll do my best. it’s like someone made a mixtape of every month of my life and shoved it in a shoebox under my bed to be forgotten for decades, it’s like smelling old perfumes that you don’t even remember wearing, or the brand of toothpaste you used to use as a kid. i look back at my life and see it in different colours and some are a lot fucking brighter than others. last night i think i discovered that i spend too much time chasing different colours, like my life has become a game of dodge ball always steppin round the bits that i don’t like and blocking out things that i’m scared to admit are a part of me. i feel like i don’t call my parents enough i’m afraid my relationship with my dad isn’t strong as it could be i’m too scared to tell my parents i’m gay i’m surrounded by the best fucking friends in the world but i’m still terrified they’ll leave me i don’t know where i’m going in life and if i made the right decision to quit a degree that was dragging me down it made me feel like i was drowning but how am i gonna get the money. now i just wanna live in that meditative state where life makes sense i guess that’s all i really want, to be fully in who i am but i don’t even know the answer to that half the time. and it’s driving me insane that none of this fuckin rhymes. i never take the advice that i give because i feel like i need to have it all sorted out and i feel like i’m not allowed to stumble and make mistakes but i’m only human and it’s inevitable right. i think i need to be more compassionate to myself. spent an hour and a half talking to my best friend on the phone the other night because i didn’t know what i needed to do and it just felt like pieces of me were overflowing and spilling down the edges of the earth and she just spoke about her day and some parables from the bible and i cried so fucking much. before last night i hadn’t cried in months. i’m an emotional person but i think i was only scratching the surface. only letting myself experience things that fell into the box of how i thought i should be but baby blue you can’t curate your emotions. that’s not how life works. there’s so much pressure to be there instead of here i always thought i had to be married by the time i’m twenty three but i haven’t even been in a relationship since kindy and i feel broken some of the time but i think everyone does right. i’m going to a poetry slam tonight and i’m not sure if i’ll read anything out but i’m just tryna get outta this god damn room and i feel most like myself when i take risks. the suns setting over the city and life right now looks so goddamn pretty and i still feel uncertain and not sure if i’ll wake up the same person tomorrow but i think i’m okay with that. i think the best we can ever do is just accept that we’re gonna be sad sometimes and that that’s just life. that we don’t need to be a certain way or be a certain person or feel certain things. and no matter what colour this month ends up being it’s all okay. i think i just wanna spend my life figuring out how to live. don’t think i’ll ever get an answer but it’s all about the process, right. now i don’t know what else to write

 

i think that’s about it.

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