pure existence

“Need to ground back down into reality

Remember to sink into pure existence instead of settling for existence in someone else’s mind

When someone thinks of you does it create a new you? Is it an Emily 2.0 or merely an incomplete copy of who I am?

Need to remove all the variables til there’s nothin left but existence. You just gotta be.”

 


 

I sometimes get swept up into caring too much about what other people think about me. Not whether or not they like my clothes, or how I talk, but more about how they conceptualise of me as a person. Who they think “”Emily Morgan”” is.

 

I struggle a lot with the idea of existing in other peoples minds. Is it really me? Are they engaging with me or just an image? How far removed from truth are all the different constructions of Emily Morgan locked away in a mass of brains.

 

Every single version is different. Nobody on Earth relates to me in the same way as others, nobody on Earth relates to me in the same way as I relate to myself. Are these constructions like tree branches, breaking off from the root of who I am that’s grounded in reality. Or are they photo copies of a personality I temporarily inhabit, forever capturing one time slice in the evolution of who I am.

 

Probably think about this so often because I struggle to think of my own self. Get caught up a lot thinking about whether or not my relation to self is based on actuality, or just some two dimensional representation of what I actually am. I change every second but my conceptualisation of self always struggles to keep up. I wake up different each morning but sometimes forget that I’m not the me I was yesterday.

 

Some days I’m determined to rid myself of any projection of who I am completely. To just meet myself in the moment, with no expectations of what I’ll find. Ego death or whatever.

 

But for the most part I track my growth in phases, clinging on to an image of selfhood until reality becomes so disparate that I’m forced to abandon it. So I construct another, and hold on, and am forced to let go, and reset, and rebuild, and tear down, always trailing after the silhouette of a soul that moves too fast for me to truly grasp.

 

Essence always reaching for existence, or existence always reaching for essence?

 

Don’t wanna reach for anything, to be completely honest.


 

“Just existing, don’t even have to be flying, just existing

Just breathing

Just feeling this moment

Letting it vibrate in the most sincere way

I wanna decay right on time

Right when I’m sposed to go

I know where the path leads

Fuck.”

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