excerpts from journal one
stand on your own
“it doesn’t mean ‘isolate yourself’, it’s more like…having the on courage to be completely alone and still feel secure in yourself. it’s being able to feel like a complete whole without recognition or validation or acceptance from anybody else. it’s like a foundation; having the capacity and strength to support yourself (and trust in that strength) entirely on your own”
excerpts from journal two
13:07 25 april 2017
“It feels like everything is falling into place. Frank Ocean has been putting out a lot of music lately and his songs always make me feel nostalgic about the present. I know that doesn’t make sense but it just feels right. I’ve been crying often but in a really good way. I’m not afraid of my emotions anymore. It’s getting easier to let go of resistance. Everything just feels so fucking good at the moment. And I know it won’t last but it doesn’t have to.
It’s been raining a lot these days but I don’t mind because it makes the sky look beautiful.”
“I’m in a constant battle with my ego. I’m always trying to define myself, to grasp onto some concept of identity. But I change from day to day and nothing’s ever exactly the same. The moment you think you’ve arrived at where you need to be, the destination changes. In the process of attempting to define yourself, to find some tangible identity, you’ve already changed who you are. And then you get frustrated and you start again and all this time you’re just fuelling the ego. You don’t feel like ‘you’ some days because you have this fixed concept of who ‘you’ are. And every second you move further and further away from this conception until you feel lost, trapped in an identity that no longer fits. You try to define yourself because you think it will stop you from not feeling like you. But you’re too multifaceted to be defined. You don’t exist in the clothes you wear, or how you do your hair, or the music you like, or the way you talk, or the thoughts you think. Because these things change. You change. And the second you start to define yourself in terms of these things is the second that you trap yourself in an illusory idea of selfhood. To let go of ego is to stop searching for some transcribable identity. You are much more than you could ever imagine.”
“haven’t written a letter to myself in a while. haven’t felt connected to self in a while. but here goes.
your mind is constantly running but the second you try to form these thoughts into tangible words everything just blurs and blends together.
you feel lost in temporality, a slave to a shifting self. trying not to be attached to ego and identity but always succumbing at the last hill.
too much resistance. too much attachment. too much identity. too much dissociation,
balance out. breathe in. love. heal.”
excerpts from journal three
“Things that shouldn’t be things become things. Things that are supposed to be things are no longer.
It’s hard to write about something that isn’t even a feeling. More of an impression or sensation.
I feel like the dissociation is tethered to this somehow. But I just can’t form the right words to conceive of it.
Things feel different and I don’t know how to explain it!
maybe the feeling just comes and it goes
[sticky note] “the moon is always full and so are you – the only thing that changes is how much is illuminated – what we can see“
A letter to my 19 year old self
“18 felt like galaxies colliding only to separate again. You’ve struggled a lot with your idea of self. Maybe now you’ve arrived at some peace. Either way, please be kind to your 18 year old self. You made lots of mistakes but you were only trying to find yourself. Sure, you ended up more lost than found, but that’s all part of the journey right. Life is all about experiencing the breadth of this human emotion. Things felt like they were falling into place at 18. Then they fell apart. And then together again. I hope now you’re better at appreciating the flux of it all. The dizzying notion of being that is this human life. Most of all, I hope you’re content with being you. Fully and truly you, in all your overcomplicated, emotional and extravagant ways. You’re not a goddamn star. You’re this entire goddamn universe. I hope, at 19, you’ve finally realised this.
‘If you spend your whole life searching for purpose you’re going to wake up one day and realise you missed out on life. Your only purpose is to experience life. Everything else is collateral. There is no right way to live a life. There is no right path for you to take. There is no set destination for you to reach. Just focus on living, that’s all you gotta do.
Truly, and uninhibitedly, living.”
24 Oct 23:57
“Life moves so fucking fast. Need to stop beating myself up for not being present. It’s worse than not being present. There’s nothing harder than vulnerability but also nothing as rewarding. I get worried a lot that my friends don’t love me as much as I love them. I get worried a lot that no one will ever love me. I can’t even form the words to describe why I love myself. I think I love myself. I hope I do.
I’ve spent a lot of time recently thinking about how much better things will be when I’m not here. When I’ve moved out. When I’m dating someone. When I’m travelling. It’s all bullshit. Things look good retroactively and the feel good retrospectively. But I don’t remember the last time I was truly present.
I’m not sure whether I can’t think of myself or I can’t stop. I hate that my world revolves around me, everything is so small. Why do I spend so much time in my head. I fucking hate that I can’t get out of my head. Why am I swearing so much, I promise I’m not angry. Things actually feel pretty good right now. Don’t know where I’m going and at this point don’t think I’ll ever know.
Haven’t been sleeping properly lately. You try to catch the flow of a river by filling a bowl with it’s water but as soon as you do the motion stops. I’m reaching for things that can’t be grasped. Sometime’s living’s so fucking hard. I don’t know if I’m doing this right.
“The past few days have been really odd and I don’t feel like me. How strange is it that “I” don’t feel like “me”? What is the difference between “I” and “me” – how can they not be the same thing?
“Me” is the narrative you construct in order to conceptualise yourself.
“I” is who you are in this moment.
Sometimes “I” and “me” overlap and you write in your journal about feeling “whole” as though a division has been healed within you. Most of the time there is a gulf between “I” and “Me” because the narrative you construct is only a facade and you exist in the realm of truths. How could a facade ever compare to a truth. How could “Me” ever compare to “I”.
9 Nov 17
“Been feeling in limbo for a while. Right now it feels like things are working itself out. Always easier to find peace when there’s a definite ending. Always easier to start fresh when you cut off the old you. I’ve been so many different people this year and I’m trying to love them all. I’ve dealt with so much this year. I really shouldn’t be so hard on myself. Really should learn to let go of the voice in my head. It’s not me, I swear.
The surface of what?
“Only seem to write when things bubble over the surface
The surface of what?
How I think they should be
I hate being stuck in limbo until I lean into it and then it becomes liberty.”
“…The goal isn’t to never feel shitty, because that’s impossible. It’s to develop this trust within you that you can move through this feeling and you’ll be okay in the end…”
“In every single relationship – universe to earth, earth to humans, humans to each other – you find this perpetual cyclic renewal. everything is constantly being built up and torn down in this continual process of refinement and redefinition. like a wave, things build and build and build and then they crash. And then it starts again. And again. Perpetual death and rebirth.
Everything everywhere is in flux.”
The nature of the universe
“Blue moon got me makin promises to the shadow in the window
swirling paint round gem covered fingertips
whisperin secrets but they’re not really known now
Blue moon got me worried I’m not who I’m supposed to be
Fucking hell what a fallacy
The rarest of moons can’t compete with the restlessness under my skin
Can’t compete with the transience that lies within.